Polygamy: How to Accept Her Without Jealousy?

27 September, 2022

Q
One month already my husband is married, and I know everything before he married because my husband is the most honest person I have ever met. And before he married his second wife I know because I’m the one who chose for him who he married but when they are already married I start to get jealous, getting insecure of her worries. Maybe my husband he will love that lady more than me he will get much time than so many questions and negative coming from head but my husband always comfort me guide me and let me remember how we are happy before is never changed even he have other woman .

But everytime o to him for a few minutes my stress is gone but after a few hours I get irritated again. I get angry I fight fight with him, my point is how I deal to my jealousy and worries. I want to be happy and accept everything about them without jealousy and insecurity. I want her friend best friend sister that we will be happy all us kindly advise me what I’m going to do. Thank u so much may Allah guide all of us.

Kindly give me advice how to accept without jealousy and we will happy all in sha Allah

Answer

Salam alaikom dear sister,

Thank you for writing to us. You are asking for guidance regarding jealousy, which has started to overwhelm you since your husband is married to a second wife.

According to your letter, your husband is very honest and tries to comfort you in this new situation. You were involved in his decision. You want to be happy and accept her without jealousy and insecurities, and treat her as a best friend.

Masallah sister for your noble intentions.

I think that what you have been going through is very normal and understandable. Your soul and your mind seem to be ready for this situation. The fight is rather in your nafs, on an emotional level.

It has been only a month, so this is quite a new situation.

Even if this idea was there maybe in theory before, in practice, being the first wife and not the wife is not as long. I think, just like with any major change in life, it takes time until we adjust to the new context.

Insha Allah, you will see that everything is going to be OK.

Feelings of jealousy and of not being loved enough are natural feelings and common fears.

Jealousy is a perceived threat to a relationship, creating feelings of insecurity. You are not the only one.

Women (and, of course, men) struggle with these feelings, even in monogamous, happy marriages. To some extent, jealousy can be even productive, creating motivation for the couple.

Your Jihad

Think about that part of your destiny was that you would become a first wife. It was decreed upon you. Allah chose this as one of your tests. So, take it as this is part of your personal jihad.

So, your jihad in this life includes fighting these emotions and your nafs. Think about it. Aren’t we promised that Satan will follow us on our path until the last day?

So, on one hand, try to accept that the goal is not to eradicate these feelings, as they probably will always be there, with more or less intensity. It does not mean that you are not strong enough in your faith or that you are weak in emotion.

But the goal is to learn to cope with these feelings and not let negatively affect your wellbeing and your relationship with your husbandconverting these fears into a self-fulfilling prophecy.

How can you cope with them?

First, realize that it is something “external” to you. It is Satan who whispers to our hearts, causing you distress and suffering:

the evil of the lurking whisperer, who whispers into the hearts of humankind(Quran 114:4-5)

And remember Our servant Job, when he cried out to his Lord, “Satan has afflicted me with distress and suffering.” (Quran 38:41)

And part of Satan’s „job” is to create conflict among mankind:

Satan certainly seeks to sow discord among them. (17:53)

And conflict and separation between husband and wife:

„Iblis places his throne upon water; he then sends detachments (for creating dissension); The nearer to him in rank are those who are most notorious in creating dissension. One of them comes and says: “I did so and so.” And he says: “You have done nothing.” Then one amongst them comes and says: “I did not spare so and so until I sowed the seed of disccord between a husband and a wife.” The Satan goes near him and says: “You have done well.” A’mash said: He then embraces him.” Sahih Muslim 2813b

So, I advise you to do the following:

Take your time

Take your time to adjust to this new situation. Accept your feelings and learn to cope with them instead of trying to see them as something ‘unacceptable’.

Your goal of being real sisters in Islam and maintaining a loving friendship is commendable. Set it as a goal, but don’t force it on you until you’re ready. It can be a gradual process rather than all of a sudden.

Share Your Struggle Instead of Supressing It

Share with your husband that this situation, although you agree spiritually and mentally, is challenging, so ask him to be patient and understanding of your shortcomings until you get used to it. Assure him of your love and your good intentions.

Focus on your relationship with your husband. Actually, sister, I think this is the most important thing.

If you have had a loving and good relationship, try your best to maintain this love, sincerity, and care. I am sure this is what he wants also.

If your husband has good character and he is supportive of you, that is a barakah.

Try to make him happy when he spends time with you, and try to avoid quarrels and fights because of your feelings. That is most probably contra productive in the long-run.

Do not let this struggle become an underlying issue that causes you to lash out and become irritated in minor, everyday situations.

If you suppress these feelings, they will probably break out, and you will end up fighting with him over irrelevant issues.

It is better to discuss it. Set up a time for that, when you sit down quietly and talk. Here, both of you can express and address your feelings and concerns.

He probably wants to spend his time with you in peace and in a good mood. If you let this happen, his love will increase and he will be eager to come back to you again.

Avoid Triggers

Sister, you need to see what extent of involvement you are comfortable with without starting to be overly jealous. For some people, the less they know, the “happier” they are.

Others are more confident if they know the details. Monitor yourself and if you feel that too much information about their relationship causes you negative feelings, try to distance yourself.

Do Not Compete and Compare

The other important thing is to fight the feeling of competition by having realistic expectations.

Yes, your husband will most likely develop feelings for his other wife. That is part of the “deal”. They will also share pleasant moments together.

But it is not about who he feels better with, who he loves more, whose cooking he likes better. There is really no need to compare yourselves. Just focus on yourself and him and try to have a good relationship.

Remember Allah and Fight Satan

These negative feelings, insecurities, and competitiveness are all part of Satan’s tricks to harm you, your relationship with your husband, and finally your faith.

So, what you need to do is to fight Satan and these whispers:

“Indeed, when Satan whispers to those mindful ˹of Allah˺, they remember ˹their Lord˺ then they start to see ˹things˺ clearly.” (Quran,7:201)

Remember Allah and strengthen your faith in him. Be grateful for what you have and for all the love you have had and will have, in sha Allah in this relationship.

When these feelings start to overwhelm you, do voluntary worship, listen to the Quran, make dua and dhikr.

You can also write down your feelings in a journal and „get rid of them.” By journaling, you can diminish the intensity of feelings by verbalizing them.

Enjoy Your Own Time

You may have more time for yourself from now on. Do not spend it overthinking and waiting for your husband.

Take it as a blessing, and do something that you could not allow yourself before. Study something new, join a sister’s circle, a voluntary or creative activity, anything that inspires you and occupies your mind.

Counseling

If you continue to feel insecure over time, it is possible that this situation has triggered some underlying psychological issues related to self-esteem and confidence.

You may take a couple of counseling sessions to address it and improve individually. You can try our life coaching service as well.

I pray these tips will help you. May Allah bless you with comfort in your marriage.

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