This week we learn how to strengthen our long-term effortsThe term relationships and marriage with the help of psychologist Eli Finkel. Eli is a professor at Northwestern University and director of the Relationships and Motivation Lab at Northwestern. He is also the author of the bestselling book All or Nothing Marriage: How the Best Marriages Work.
Hear Ellie discuss how marriage is viewed in the United States Over time and how it happened He brought us to the very high expectations we have for the organization Today, psychological tricks we can use to reframe our thinking during an argument, and why research-backed “love stories” are a great first step to improving your relationship.
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Highlights of this week’s episode
From the Eli Finkel interview
On how to avoid the basic attribution error with your partner:
[T]The truth is that how hurt or angry we are with our partner’s behavior is largely determined by how we interpret it. And so if our partner did something disrespectful, let’s say she told a story at a dinner party that we thought was a secret and it kind of embarrassed us, we have a wide, wide range of how we explain what she did. And so when I say external contributions to negative behaviors, we can say it’s something to do with it, like my partner is just an incredibly caring person and she’s always been that way, and I’m deeply disappointed that this person is so important in my life, just a lousy person in that way. . Or we could say she was drinking and maybe she didn’t realize that this was too personal for me… It’s just, can we look generously at what our partner did? Thus this external attribution of negative behavior is that exact example of trying to explain the negative things our partner did as temporary, as not really a character defect in the individual, but something perhaps more situational or situational.
On not relying on your partner to be your goal in everything:
I was a bit confused by the number of high level psycho-emotional needs we threw at this one relationship. It used to be that people hanging out in same-sex crowds felt that your partner wasn’t supposed to be your best friend. And certainly the idea of a soul mate didn’t really exist, not as we think of it. Now, the idea that it’s supposed to help me grow and live an authentic life like this is a giant one. And so, yeah, one of the things I talk about in the book is a bunch of ways we can be strategic about what we ask of a relationship and also what we don’t ask of a relationship. And yes, one of the main ideas there, you know, is that every time you complain about work, your partner really gets turned off and stops caring about you? Maybe that’s something you don’t need from this person. Perhaps there is another person you can get involved with at work, who will actually be more receptive and frank, enjoy the conversation more than your spouse.
Why it’s worth trying some “love stories”:
I know a lot of people say, ‘Don’t ask too much. Asking too much is bad. This is a mistake. If you don’t ask for much, you are unlikely to get it. So there’s a lot to be said for having high expectations for your relationship. The problem is when you have expectations that marriage can’t meet, and yes, that is setting yourself up for disappointment… The reason I’m so excited about the idea of a lovehack is that there may be periods in our lives where there are young children in the house or there is a diagnosis of cancer Or there is an incredible stress at work where we don’t have the bandwidth to invest in the relationship to do those date nights, have regular sex, and do all the things on average is good for the relationship, but we’re not yet ready to give up on our aspirations. It’s like, how do we keep things going strong in those really intense periods where we’re not able to invest as much as we want in a relationship, but we’re not ready to give up on our aspirations? And this is where love pirates have their main strength, as we can, without spending a lot of time or energy, maintain a high level of marital quality so that we can make the huge investments that we make.
To hear more of Ellie’s great insights into the science of relationships and how to help your marriage, we highly recommend listening to the full episode.